Set Boundaries

No. No. No. No. No. NO.

Where are all my givers? empaths? people pleasers? fixers? You can’t see, but I paused and raised both my hands. I want us all to get comfortable with saying no, when we mean no. How many times would you guess that you’ve said yes to do something for someone else because you didn’t want to disappoint them or for them to think that you’re not a kind person? I’m guessing the number is high. And just for the record, being kind, honest and not taking any crap from anyone can and do coexist, and flourish together when being the most authentic, unapologetic version of ourselves. It’s called integrity. We need to love ourselves enough to say no to others demands on our time and energy. We need to ask ourselves, “Am I giving UP myself, or OF myself?”

I take care of myself first. It’s vital for my overall wellness and it’s been a journey to get to this point. I still have moments where I check in with myself to make sure I’m honoring myself and my boundaries. I’ve learned that setting boundaries is what allows me to best take care of myself first and then others when I’m physically, emotionally, AND mentally available. It’s an act of self love to set boundaries. We need to love and respect ourselves even if when we risk letting down other people. Lack of boundaries = lack of respect. As we respect ourselves and our boundaries, others will too. We often get attached to how our boundaries makes the person on the other end feel. We can’t make someone respect our boundaries, but we can decide whether or not we want to accept their behavior and reactions to our boundaries. What I’ve learned is that the people who are in my life soley because they care about me, respect me, therefore respect my boundaries and won’t be disappointed. The people who try to make me feel bad and get angry or disappointed with me for setting boundaries have their own agenda. That’s their problem, not mine.

How do you know when you need to set boundaries? First off, everyone needs to set boundaries. Why? Because boundaries teach people how to treat us. Boundaries say this is where I end and you begin. It says to other people, I know my limits, and what I will accept and won’t tolerate. There is absolutely nothing wrong with helping and giving of ourselves to others but when it comes at the cost of our own well being, we need to reassess the situation and relationship. Empower yourself to say no to the things that don’t feel right to you. By saying no to the things that don’t feel right, we then have more time and energy to say yes to the things that do feel right.

We also need to take accountability for feeling resentful, upset, or taken advantage of, because of our previous lack of boundaries. If someone is continuing to disrespect us, we can’t get upset and blame them for our feelings if we are continuing to allow their behavior. Forgive yourself for previously allowing their behavior and wash those feelings away because they no longer serve you.

“There are far too many mouths here, but not enough of them are worth what you’re offering. Give yourself to a few and to those few give heavily. Ivest in the right people.” Rupi Kaur

Think of the different areas in your life; work, family, friends, and the various extensions of people included in these areas. Think of different relationships you have and again ask yourself; “Am I giving UP myself, or OF myself?” If you’re giving UP yourself, begin to say no to these situations and people. Tap into how you’re feeling when you’re saying no to someone. Are you anxious? Worried about what they will think or say? This will be a process of trusting yourself, and it will take a time to adjust to your boundaries and all the feelings surrounded by them. The people who are used to you saying yes to their every request are going to have a problem with your newly set boundaries. Remind yourself, that is their problem, not yours. You do not owe anyone your time, energy or an explanation. Remember; anytime we take action to become a better, stronger person more aligned with our true self, there will always be someone that resists that change. Send those people love and send them on their way. Not everyone is meant to stay in your life for a long period of time. People come and go as the seasons of life change. Find the lesson they came with and keep moving along your path.

Let me tell you, from personal experience, it feels amazing to say no. The feeling of standing your ground and not allowing people to take advantage of you is invaluable in your healing journey. Know your power, your worth and what you will stand for. Love yourself enough to say NO.

Sending love and healing,

Carissa